Wrestling with God...

It's 3:16 am and  I'm  up wrestling again. I've 

taken these wide awake moments to seek you, in 

fact I can't remember the last time I was wide

awake at night that you weren't working on me. 

I've been learning to follow you into deeper 

water...and then you beckon me just a little 

further and suddenly I turn to run back to shore

and realize I can no longer touch ground. It's 

here that I start to wrestle. But you are so

gracious...I ask for clarification again and 

again and AGAIN. I give you my pitch...which 

usually involves listing my inadequacies and 

reasons my plate is already full. You've heard

these excuses so many times.  Yet you make things 

so clear for me that when those hard days come, I

can lean in. Because I know none of this was a 

mistake. You knit my family together before the

foundation of the world. You have never failed 

me but sometimes I still wonder why you picked

me to mother these broken souls...I feel ill 

equipped. But then you remind me... we're all 

broken, aren't we? 

Adoption is a beautiful mess...those are the 

best words I can find to describe it. I think 

of my hardest days and of the little drops of 

sweetness that have made those days easier. 

My hardest day to date with Malachi was the same

day he said I love you for the first time. Just 

when I'm feeling lost parenting my newly teenage

daughter, she decides to bare her soul and tell 

me something she's been harboring her entire life...

It's taken 6 years but her trust is growing. The 

moment I walk into the orphanage and little Rubie is

wearing the same dress we celebrated Brooke's adoption

in. It's all these moments that make this journey so

so sweet.

You are in the details God, you always have been.